dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
