The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
