sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
