the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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