please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
