Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
it's like iHOP with fire
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
