What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
