dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
