You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
