I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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