She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
