i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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