Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
