she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
