And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
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I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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