If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
