Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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