a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
