# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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