How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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