A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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