I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
