VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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