peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
