you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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