There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
