I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
