Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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