i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
