i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
