The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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