just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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