how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
