If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
he high fived his dick after we had sex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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