If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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