my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Don't tell me you're on acid again
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
