It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
