I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
