I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
