Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
