apparently the secret to your success is patron
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
