Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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