He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
