Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
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YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
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Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.