his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
