Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.