I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
