you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
someone threw a dead crab at me
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
