i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
