He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
