Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
