This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
