Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
