I molested 6 butterflies tonight
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
