Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
