If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
