im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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