im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
