i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
